How to Identify and Address Parental Alienation

Every child deserves a loving relationship with both parents. Having a safe, secure relationship with both parents benefits a child in innumerable ways. It leads to better emotional regulation, better academic performance, better socio-emotional development, and an increased likelihood of positive peer relationships. 

Positive parent relationships can even have long-term health benefits for a child, decreasing the risk of mental health issues, eating disorders, substance abuse disorders, and more.  

Unfortunately, children may be denied this right due to parental alienation—a complex form of emotional abuse that can create lifelong damage for a child and the alienated parent. While parental alienation can occur in all families, regardless of relationship status, it is more common within families where parents are divorced or separated.

By recognizing the signs of parental alienation early, parents can take the necessary steps to protect their relationship with their children and work towards a better future together. Keep reading to learn what to look out for, along with some helpful tips for how to address this issue. 

What is parental alienation?

Parental alienation occurs when one parent impedes and undermines a child’s relationship with the other parent. As a result, the child may begin to view this parent as “the bad guy,” while the parent perpetrating the alienation is viewed as “worthy” and “caring.”

Whether deliberate or unintentional, the results of parental alienation can be devastating. Here’s what to look for.

Signs of parental alienation in children

If your co-parent is influencing your child to view you in a negative light, you may notice some of these warning signs: 

• Unexpected or unreasonable objections to spending time with you
• Poor academic performance
• Bouts of anger or rebellion
• Detailed knowledge about your separation or relationship 
• Conviction that negative events occurred in a certain way (even if they didn’t) 
• An apparent forgetfulness of any prior positive interactions
• Eating disorders
• Low self-confidence
• New fears or phobias
• Poor impulse control
• Rejection of you and your extended family, with no clear or logical reason 
• Separation anxiety, even if time apart from the alienating parent is not spent with you
• Sleep disorders, such as nightmares or insomnia 
• Unwavering support for the other parent, even if that parent engages in harmful behavior

You may also notice insistence, on the part of your co-parent or child, that the child has decided to dislike you “on their own.” In cases of parental alienation, however, this change of feelings may be almost entirely due to the influence of your co-parent. 

Signs of parental alienation in parents 

Your co-parent may engage in any or all of the following behaviors in an effort to undermine your relationship with your child: 

• Badmouthing you in front of your child
• Blaming you for negative experiences (i.e., “we can’t buy that because daddy didn’t pay child support”)  
• Calling you by your first name or encouraging your child to do the same 
• Contacting your child excessively during your parenting time 
• Changing your child’s last name so it doesn’t match yours 
• Calling a stepparent “mom” or “dad” and insisting your child do the same 
• Divulging details about the reasons your romantic relationship ended 
• Discouraging your child from spending time with you 
• Encouraging your child to “spy” on you
• Insisting your child choose between parents
• Loosening restrictions and household rules to make your rules seem “strict” by comparison
• Monitoring all contact you have with your child 
• Purposefully dropping your child off late or picking them up early to cut parenting time short 
• Withholding information about your child’s special events or medical records, school records, etc. 
• Withholding parenting time (and blaming you) 
• Blatantly telling your child that you don’t care about them, are too busy for them, etc. 

How to prove alienating behavior 

Parental alienation can be challenging to prove—particularly if the abuse is intentional—because many alienating behaviors are committed covertly. 

If you believe that your co-parent is intentionally sabotaging your relationship with your child, consider the following suggestions.  

Uphold your custody order

Avoid diverting from the established child custody order. Sticking to it demonstrates your willingness to spend time with your child and your commitment to upholding the court’s orders. If your co-parent is unwilling to adhere to the custody order, contact an experienced custody lawyer to discuss steps you can take to support it being enforced. 

Journal meticulously

Write down the time, date, and a brief description of events when: 

• Your child says phrases that are obviously repeated from the other parent 
• Your child’s speech and behavior are unjustifiably hostile toward you
• The other parent schedules “fun” activities that conflict with your visitation time
• The other parent makes special requests that conflict with your parenting time 
• The other parent belittles or engages in conflict with you in front of your child 
• You learn about “secrets” between your child and the other parent
• You notice signs that your child is experiencing emotional distress or feels torn about displaying affection toward you

What can I do if my ex-spouse is turning my child against me?

Contact an experienced family law attorney as soon as possible. 

Depending on the situation, your attorney may advocate for you in a variety of ways, including requesting the court to:

• Review your current child custody order
• Appoint a guardian ad litem to protect your child’s best interests 
• Change parenting time, including drop-off/pickup locations and times
• Change the custody arrangement, including your child’s primary residence 
• Award compensatory parenting time 
• Order reunification therapy for your child and yourself
• Order individual therapy for your child 
• Order individual therapy or parenting classes for the alienating parent 
• Make the alienating parent responsible for attorney’s fees, court costs, counseling fees, and any other costs due to non-compliance with the court’s orders

New Jersey laws concerning parental alienation 

Although parental alienation isn’t mentioned explicitly in New Jersey law, certain statutes, court rules, and case laws may be relevant to your situation. 

For example, N.J.S.A. 2C:13-4—interference with custody—prohibits parents, guardians, and lawful custodians from interfering with child custody agreements by detaining minors with the intention of depriving the other parent of custody.

Under N.J. Ct. R. 1:10-3—Contempt of Court and Enforcement of Litigant’s Rights Related Thereto—or N.J. Ct. R. 5:3-7(A)— General Provisions for Family Actions—an alienating parent may be held accountable for violating a custody order or parenting time, which is a crime. 

Depending on the situation, the court may sentence the offending alienating parent to jail or community service. 

Contact us 

Parental alienation has the potential to impact your relationship with your child—and your child’s wellbeing—for a lifetime. To minimize the harm caused by an alienating parent, it’s essential to take action as soon as possible. 

Take action. Schedule your consultation with the Dughi, Hewit & Domalewski team today.