Keeping a Divorce Amicable
Imagine a peaceful divorce process with zero litigation and minimal drama. Your child custody agreement prioritizes your children’s needs, and the terms and conditions of your divorce are equitable for everyone involved. Post-divorce, your financial situation is thriving. Rather than spend thousands of dollars fighting tooth and nail over every asset in court, you and your soon-to-be ex choose to work with an impartial divorce mediator.
It sounds utopian, but this type of amicable separation happens every day—with capable support, a healthy mindset, and a willingness to compromise.
If you’re contemplating a divorce, consider sharing the tips for keeping a divorce amicable below with your spouse to get the process started on the right foot. Contact Dughi, Hewit & Domalewski for a consultation to learn more about the uncontested divorce process.
Tips on Keeping a Divorce Amicable
Setting boundaries
Achieving a peaceful divorce is easier when you have a clear picture of what an “amicable” separation means to you. Just because you and your spouse aren’t fighting doesn’t mean you have to be friends. Post-divorce, you won’t have the same level of closeness as before. Start setting new emotional, financial, and physical boundaries to define your new relationship now.
The coworker rule
The “coworker rule” is an effective way to navigate this uncharted, and often uncomfortable, territory.
Pretend that the two of you are working on the “project” of your uncontested divorce, with an ultimate goal of a favorable outcome. If you wouldn’t say something to a coworker, avoid saying it to your former partner. Keep conversations purpose-driven. Instead of replying to texts at all hours of the night, set mutually agreeable times to talk. Don’t respond outside of them unless there’s an emergency.
The “coworker rule” also applies to favors. While asking your husband to fix a leaky faucet is absolutely appropriate, the favor may be too personal for a coworker. Asking your ex to pick up the kids from school is reasonable because it’s related to your “project” of co-parenting. However, they are not obligated to stop and buy laundry detergent for your home on the way—even if they primarily managed the shopping during your marriage.
Communicating clearly
Be honest
For an amicable separation to work, all parties must communicate and negotiate in good faith.
In other words, be honest.
You might feel tempted to withhold information about your financial situation to protect your assets. But keeping secrets and other manipulative behavior may sabotage your peaceful divorce by alienating your partner. Your divorce attorney or divorce mediator needs all of the relevant information to help your uncontested divorce remain, well, uncontested.
Be straightforward
To streamline negotiations about assets and debts, terms and conditions, and child custody, stay straightforward. Playing games or tiptoeing around what you want in your settlement may create distrust and make it more difficult to resolve your settlement.
Be willing to compromise
Most divorces involve some level of compromise, especially those that are amicable. Before you start your divorce proceedings, think about what’s most important to you and what you can let go of. Maybe you want a flexible parenting time plan because of your work schedule, but are less concerned about holiday time. Or maybe you’re less concerned about who keeps the family home, but have specific wishes for how you’ll divide up your investment assets.
No matter how it looks for you, a willingness to compromise can help you achieve a more amicable divorce.
Stick to the facts
There is such a thing as too much honesty. Stay focused. Now is not the time to let lingering anger, resentment, or unmet expectations from your marriage dominate the conversation. Though these feelings are worth addressing, it’s best to talk them over with a qualified professional.
Inflammatory language, threats, and blame have no place at the negotiation table. In fact, your divorce mediator may refuse to work with you under these conditions.
Be empathetic
Divorce has a way of making people feel out of control of their lives. Offering your soon-to-be ex some empathy probably won’t save your marriage, but it could increase the likelihood of collaboration. Be willing to consider their perspective, and express gratitude when they seem willing to meet in the middle.
Keep priorities in mind
If you thought marriage takes a lot of compromises, the uncontested divorce process might surprise you. Though it’s a tough pill to swallow, neither person can truly “have it all.” For the most favorable outcome, both parties must be willing to give something up in negotiations.
Ask yourself, “What are my biggest priorities in the divorce process? Is there a solution that favors my own priorities, as well as those of my ex-spouse?” If you’re unsure, an honest conversation with your divorce mediator or divorce coach may be helpful here. Perhaps you’re willing to accept less spousal support in favor of spending more time with your kids. Maybe you care more about spousal support than physical assets because you’re in a tough financial situation.
Whatever the specifics are, your divorce mediator will have an easier time suggesting terms and conditions that are mutually agreeable if you know what’s most important to you.
What to do if things become uncivil
Keeping a divorce civil takes the cooperation of both parties. You might find it challenging to continue to focus on solutions when the other person violates your boundaries or engages in other problematic behavior.
If the problem is not a pattern, hold steady. Continue to maintain healthy boundaries and communicate respectfully. Emotions are running high, and it’s natural for one or both people to find adjustments in finances, boundaries, and routines difficult.
If the other person refuses to negotiate and habitually disregards your boundaries, talking with a divorce attorney with experience navigating high-conflict divorces can be helpful.
Divorcing? Contact Dughi, Hewit & Domalewski
No one hopes for a high-conflict divorce, but if the other person’s unwillingness to cooperate jeopardizes your child custody, financial future, or safety, it’s time to take action.
Schedule your consultation for legal advice from a qualified family law and divorce attorney who’ll fight to protect your family’s best interests.
